Being aware of your actions and words as a parent can single handedly alter the severity divorce has on a child.  From a legal perspective, the way a parent interacts with his or her child can influence child custody, visitation, and parental rights in Georgia. The courts are interested in determining which parent is acting in the best interest of a child, so it is imperative to act responsibly to protect your children’s emotions from the stresses of divorce. Here are a few suggestions of what not to say or do when communicating with your child about your divorce.

Avoid giving children too many “adult details”—It is important to consider your child’s age when speaking to him or her about your divorce. The majority of the time a child will not understand, nor do they need to know, if you are getting a divorce because of issues that relate to intimacy, money, abuse or addiction of any kind. It is best to leave the conversation as simple as possible with your child and not get into specifics.   Too many parents fall into the trap of thinking “hey my child asked me and I didn’t want to lie” and “I just wanted the child to know the truth” and “I didn’t think fast enough to think of something else to say”.  What you should say instead is “both your mom and your dad love you very much”.  And if you say it over and over again that will not hurt you, no matter how much you want to say something else.  As a matter of fact, watch closely as you say it and you will see the relief in the child’s body language.

Remind children that they still have a present mom and dad—Divorce can make a child feel like they are losing a parent, so it is imperative to express to a child that they will still have two parents present in their life.  Be sensitive, listen and make yourself available to discuss divorce in a mature way. Prove with your actions that you are present and available.

It’s not their fault—Reminding a child that they are not to blame for the divorce is essential to helping children cope with divorce. Children need to be reassured that they did not do anything wrong, and that divorce is an adult issue. Children tend to personalize divorce in many cases, so make it perfectly clear that they’re not at fault. 

Don’t ask them to choose sides—Asking a child to choose one parent over the other is not fair to the child and can result in resentment later on down the road. Furthermore, a court will tend to not give custody to the parent who is willfully jeopardizing the other parent-child relationship, as doing so is emotionally damaging.

Dogging out the other spouse- While going through a divorce is emotional, it is vital that the parents do not lash out at the other, or talk badly about each other in front of the children. It is unhealthy for the child to hear their mom or dad being called negative words by the other. Defaming your ex-spouse can also be held against you in court and can affect the outcome of a custody hearing.

When interacting with children, be merciful and kind, and remember that divorce is a problem between two adults. 

There may come a time when you and your ex are sitting in a courtroom together. If you’ve tried mediation or collaborative divorce and that hasn’t worked, going to court might be the final necessary step before moving on.

While divorce court can be difficult, it can also be an opportunity for you to have some resolution. There are a few important concepts to keep in mind when you have your day in court.

 Appearance:   There’s no second chance to make a first impression, and the way you dress in divorce court is particularly important. People are often under the misconception that you should “dress poor” for a court case so that the judge will take pity on you.  Realistically, the judge requires documentation and does research to determine a person’s child support, alimony and financial obligations. Ultimately, your clothing should reflect your respect for the court.  Dress as if you’re going to a job interview: err on the side of conservative and professional.

Attitude: A judge’s job is to evaluate you at all times in the courtroom, and if you have his or her respect, you’re in a much better position. Don’t lose your temper, and don’t do anything that could be construed as hostile or abusive.  Judges see many court cases, and so there’s no need for you to visually communicate your pain or anger towards your ex.  Stay composed, and be as courteous as you would in an office environment. Remain respectful of the process.

Language:  Use polite language when you communicate, and try not to be overly defensive.  Speak calmly and naturally, and never resort to name-calling or shouting at your ex.  Be respectful of the judge as well, and remember that he or she is not your enemy. 

Preparation:  Be prepared--  it seems like an obvious comment, but if you’re stressed out, you may not be as organized as you usually are. Make yourself a checklist of any documentation your divorce lawyer has asked you to bring, and put your documents with your keys the night before. 

While divorce court can be demanding, it is also often the end to a long and painful process.  

Divorce is, by nature, complicated. You’ve spent years building your marriage and entangling your life with the person you’re sitting across the table from. Untangling your assets (and your emotions) takes time too. A family law attorney spends years studying the intricacies of divorce, which is why divorce is overwhelming to most people.

There are a few common mistakes people tend to make when heading into a divorce.  If you can keep your head clear enough to follow these rules, you’ll be much better off in the long run. 

Don't take legal advice from your friends: Your friends are important, but don't rely on them for legal advice. Every state has a unique set of divorce laws, and a family law attorney can tell you what's in your best interest. Your friends might want to give you legal advice out of love or because they think you need help, but every divorce is different, and your divorce attorney understands the law.

Don't run to court: Make an informed decision with a family law attorney about whether or not you even want to go to trial. If you and your ex are still on speaking terms, or if you have children, you may want to consider collaborative divorce. It can be less expensive than traditional divorce, and both parties still have the benefit of legal council. Read more about collaborative divorce here.

Let your kids be kids: Don't make your children the go-between for you and your ex, and don't unload on them about the other parent. If you need to talk to someone, talk to a therapist or counselor. As a parent, it's your responsibility to protect your children's feelings. Don't make your kids suffer through your problems. 

Be financially prepared: Do your research, find out what your assets are, where your debt is, and gather documents early in the divorce process. Your divorce attorney will have a much easier time if they understand your financial situation up front. 

Stay in control of your grief: You may need to grieve, but try not to let your grief control you. Try to keep divorce in perspective-- the legal aspects should be treated like business decisions. The difficult emotional aspects need to be addressed, but while you're trying to sort out financials. 

Remember that this won't last forever: Divorce can seem never ending, exhausting, stressful, and consuming. The process won't last forever, and your stress levels won't last forever either. Take it one day at a time, be kind to yourself, and try to stay positive and focused.

 Divorce is, by nature, complicated. You’ve spent years building your marriage and entangling your life with the person you’re sitting across the table from. Untangling your assets (and your emotions) takes time too. A family law attorney spends years studying the intricacies of divorce, which explains why divorce is overwhelming to most people.

There are a few common mistakes people tend to make when heading into a divorce.  If you can keep your head clear enough to follow these rules, you’ll be much better off in the long run.

Don’t be afraid of your ex: If your ex has known you since you were a teenager, he or she may be able to still make you feel like one at times. An intimate emotional relationship provides a lot of ammunition for person who wants to manipulate another party.  Now is not the time to rely on an ex for advice, or to let him or her intimidate you. Just because you’re used to asking your ex for answers, doesn’t mean it is (or ever was) a good idea.  If your ex starts making announcements about alimony, your kids, or what you’ll end up with, ignore the conversation.  It’s not up to your ex to decide-- it’s up to the court.

Don’t ignore your taxes: This one can be tricky if you’ve relied on your ex to be the family accountant for years.  Speak to a professional about what you’ll pay taxes on if you split your finances. Dealing with the expense of a tax professional now could save you loads of money in the long term. At the very least, educate yourself.

Stop confusing emotions and business: Keep your head on emotionally when you’re thinking about assets. Don’t be financially impulsive with your ex in an attempt to win him or her back. Signing over your car title to your ex in a moment of desperation may seem generous at the time, but it's foolish. Don't give gifts, make promises, or put yourself at a financial disadvantage in any way to endear yourself to your ex. Be self-protective, even when your instincts tell you not to be.

Don't make verbal agreements: As they say, "verbal agreements are not worth the paper they're written on." If your ex promises you something, get it in writing. Don't rely on oral agreements to hold up in court.

Don't brag: Be discrete about any new relationships or purchases until your divorce is over. Don't brag to friends, your ex, your ex's lawyer, or online. A new relationship can potentially make you seem like you were not committed to your family. Extravagant purchases can influence the court's financial decisions.

Don't be hostile in court: Keep in mind that the judge is evaluating you at all times in the court room, and it's important that the judge respect you. Don't make rude faces at your ex, don't roll your eyes, don't act like an insolent teenager, and don't yell. Stay composed, and be as courteous as you would be in an office environment. Have your cathartic moments later.

Put revenge out of your mind: Dwelling on revenge, anger, and petty arguments are only going to distract you during this difficult process. Stay focused on getting through your divorce, taking care of yourself, and moving on. An angry person is not a happy person.

Check back in with us soon for Part II of Common Divorce Mistakes... and How to Avoid Them.

The holidays are a wonderful time of the year, but if you’ve recently divorced, the season may seem a bit bleak and overwhelming. Here are a few tips to survive the holidays after a divorce.

1)   Don’t Spend the Holidays Alone —

If you’re not used to being single, you may not be used to reaching out to friends and extended family during the holidays.  Don’t punish yourself by retreating from your support network. You deserve to have a fun and happy season, so make an effort to spend time with people you care about, even if it feels awkward at first.

2)   Celebrate Your Own Way —

If you’ve always wanted an enormous tree but your ex thought they were tacky, buy an enormous tree.  If you’d rather spend a week at a beach resort with some friends instead of crammed around grandma’s table, go buy a plane ticket.  Treat yourself to your own celebration.

3)   Don’t Take Things Too Personally —

Since you’re focused on family dynamics, you may forget to keep friends and family member's comments in perspective. Try not to take insensitive comments too personally. See things for what they are, and move on.

4)   Focus on Others —

Whether it’s collecting cans for the food bank, hosting a benefit, or just reaching out to the new neighbors, focusing on others will help you not to dwell on your own problems. Get involved in your community. You’ll probably meet some amazing people while you’re at it. 

5)   Stay Healthy —

It’s easy to feel preoccupied, forgetful or to blow small bumps in the road out of proportion. Build “healthy” activities into your schedule to keep your stress levels down.  Eat breakfast every morning, get a massage, or go on an evening walk with a friend.

6)   Be Your Own Best Friend —

If your child or best friend were going through a similarly stressful season, what advice would you give them? Think of the advice you’d give to someone you love, and take it. Don’t let yourself dwell, don’t stay in bed all day, and don’t drink to excess. Be proactive in finding fun actives to take your mind off divorce.

7)   Put Your Divorce On Hold —

Unless you have to be in court over the holidays, give yourself a mental vacation from your divorce.  Try to put off important decisions until the New Year if it’s within reason to do so.

Keep in mind that you have the rest of your life to deal with the emotions that come with divorce. Give yourself a break over the holidays, and look at the New Year as a fresh start. Happy holidays, from Stearns-Law.com! 

Divorce is usually the culmination of years of tension, resentment, failed second-chances, disappointment, heart-break, distrust and anger. These emotions are draining, and a damaged marriage can result in years of constant stress.

Often, a person experiences a lifetime of anxiety and grief before they even decide to go through with a divorce… and then litigation beings.

Collaborative divorce is a process that allows families to stay out of court and settle their disputes privately and respectfully.  Unlike mediation, the collaborative divorce process allows clients access to their attorneys during the process, so that everyone in the room has as fair access to professional council and legal information. In a collaborative divorce, all parties agree to stay balanced, positive, and productive.

Staying out of court also keeps children shielded from the divorce process.  In a collaborative divorce, it isn’t necessary for children to testify against their parents. The collaborative divorce process is often much more peaceful than a traditional divorce. 

For some, beginning the collaborative divorce process comes as a relief, and marks the end of a difficult marriage. Contact our family law attorneys to find out how collaborative divorce can benefit you and your family. 

For most families, the holidays can be a stressful time. Between coordinating hectic schedules, traveling, and making plans, parents rarely have time to relax. If you share custody of your children with an ex, juggling the holiday schedules can be even more exhausting.  Here are a few tips to help keep holidays exciting and fun.

1)   Make a Schedule and Stick to it — This might be the easiest way to keep complications from arising.  Make a schedule for the holidays, and coordinate with your ex.  Make sure your ex understands your plans, and make sure you understand his or hers.  Be clear and dependable.

2)   Be a good communicator — Don’t play head games or make your ex guess what your plans are. Remember that the person you’ve divorced is still the father or mother of your children, and hopefully he or she is just as concerned about their well being as you are.

3)   Be respectful of your ex — If your ex-husband or wife celebrates the holidays differently than you do, be respectful. Don’t damage the other parent’s reputation or attack their beliefs and traditions. Your children deserve to admire both of their parents.

4)   Be open about gift giving — Talk to your ex about what to give your children so you don’t buy the same thing. This conversation might even give you some helpful insight when you’re deciding what to buy.

5)   Let your kids call — Since you’re not all together, encourage your kids to reach out and call the other parent.  It can be hard on a child to miss a parent on the holidays. Encourage communication; this shows your kids that you’re committed to their happiness.

6)   Don’t sabotage a celebration — Don’t show up at a party your ex has planned for your child. Allow them to celebrate happily without divorce tension. For kids, having a birthday with dad and another with mom can be twice as much fun.

7)   It’s Not A Contest— If your ex makes more (or less) money than you do, remember that gifts and holiday trips aren’t a contest. When your kids are adults, they’re not going to remember the gaming system you bought them: they’re going to remember how much time you spent with them.

8)   Remind yourself to be loving — Even though you’re divorced, show your children that their family experiences can still be wonderful. Be loving, and allow your children to love and enjoy time with both of their parents.

In 1981, the Georgia legislature enacted the Family Violence Act (FVA) in an attempt to bring an end to acts of family violence, or at the least, to provide courts with the authority to order temporary relief as it deems necessary to protect a potential victim from family violence.  Davis-Redding v. Redding, 246 Ga. App. 792 (2000).

 While victims subjected to acts of family violence are often reluctant to seek help, it is important for the public to know that there are remedies readily available under the FVA.  Further, according to research compiled by the Cobb County Justice Foundation, children who see their mothers abused in the home are six (6) times more likely to commit suicide and twenty-four (24) times more likely to assault someone sexually than children in non-violent homes.  Statistics like these illustrate that it is necessary for victims of abuse to use the Courts to fight back against family violence not only to protect themselves, but their children, from future abuse. 

The Georgia FVA may be utilized for the protection of the following people:

            1)  Past or present spouses;

            2)  Persons who are parents of the same child;

            3)  Parents and children;

            4)  Step-parents and step-children;

            5)  Foster parents and foster children;

            6)  Any other persons living or formerly living in the same household (including                               boyfriends/girlfriends).*

            * The FVA does not apply to romantic relationships that do not result in a child where the parties have never lived together *

As defined by Georgia law, “family violence” means the occurrence of the occurrence of battery, simple battery, simple assault, assault, stalking, criminal damage to property, unlawful restraint, or criminal trespass.  Essentially, any incident of physical violence (including damage of property) between any of the applicable individuals referenced above will subject the aggressor to penalties under the Georgia FVA.  However, actual physical abuse is not necessary and a victim can seek protection under the Georgia FVA if the aggressor “attempts to commit violent injury” to the victim or “commits an act which places the victim in reasonable apprehension of immediately receiving a violence injury.” 

Once a person is subjected to family violence, he or she may file a petition setting forth the facts in the Superior Court of the county of the residence of the aggressor if the aggressor is a Georgia resident.  If the aggressor is not a Georgia resident, the petition should be filed in the county where the victim resides or in the county where the alleged act of family violence occurred. 

Generally, once a verified petition is filed a Superior Court Judge, if he finds probable cause to belief that family violence has occurred and may occur in the future (not a high standard), will issue an ex-parte restraining order or Temporary Protective Order (TPO), and will schedule a hearing, which is usually to be held within about ten (10) days.  The TPO generally restrains all contact between the parties until a full hearing can be held.  The Judge has broad discretion and has the ability to order the Respondent out of the home or alternatively, orders that the Respondent can stay in the home but must provide suitable housing for the Petitioner.   The TPO will be served on the Respondent by the sheriff who will assist the parties carry out the terms of the order (assist the Respondent gather his personal belongings, etc.). 

At the TPO hearing, both parties have the opportunity to present their evidence to the Judge.  If the Judge finds that an act of family violence has occurred, the Judge has broad authority to enter a 12 (twelve) month protective order which may order the following:

            1)  Restrain the Respondent to restrain from further acts of violence;

            2)  Grant Petitioner the exclusive use of the home, and exclude the Respondent, or require the Respondent to provide housing for the Petitioner for 12 months.

            3)  Award temporary custody of children and establish temporary child support and             visitation;

            4)  Award property (use of vehicles, etc.) and support (temporary spousal support)

            5)  Require the Respondent receives counseling, anger management, or other appropriate    psychiatric treatment; and/or

            6)  Award costs and attorney’s fees to the prevailing party

Often times, acts of family violence occur (or become more volatile) either right before or right after a spouse files for divorce.  In these instances, filing a Petition for Temporary Protective Order can result in quicker, more effective, and more efficient relief than waiting for a ruling from a judge in divorce court.  Further, a TPO issued against the other party could have a beneficial impact on the outcome of divorce proceedings.  The facts of each case vary and it may be necessary to meet with an attorney to discuss the options that could be right for you or your case. 

The attorneys at Stearns-Montgomery & Proctor are well-versed in the Georgia FVA and are experienced in prosecuting and defending TPOs in the Superior Courts of Cobb, Fulton, Cherokee, and other metro Atlanta counties.  If you or anyone you know has been a victim of family violence, please contact us so we can discuss how you can seek relief under the Georgia FVA.    

 *Special thanks to Attorney Jordan Hendrick for his contribution to this article!

 You have a custody order.  Your ex moves to another state.  Your ex continuously violates the order.   You are told by your attorney you will have to sue in the other state.  What go to Alaska to hire an attorney?  The marriage was here in Georgia, the children were born here in Georgia, you have a Georgia divorce decree.  He is the one that moved that far away - not you.   A loop hole in the law for sure.  Well that hole has now been officially closed.  With the passing of the Senate Bill 491, effective immediately, a client is entitled to sue for contempt here in Georgia.  Whew!!

 Previously you would have been informed by your attorney that you would have to go to another state to enforce your custody rights and have the other party held in contempt.    The case determining this legislative loop hole is from the Court of Appeals, Daniels v. Barnes, 289 Ga.App 897, 658 S.E.2d 472 (2008).  In that case the paternal grandparents filed a petition to modify custody, as well as seeking an order to hold the mother of the child in contempt of court.  The mother of the children, was personally served with the summons and petition in her home state of Rhode Island where she and her present husband lived with the children.   The trial court judge agreed with the paternal grandparents and held the mother in contempt fining her $5,000 and imprisoning her for 200 days.  She disputed that the trial court judge had the authority to hold her in contempt of court and appealed.   The Court of Appeals agreed with the mother that the law did not allow a Georgia court to hold her in contempt (although the trial court did have the authority to modify the custody order).  Your case doesn’t have to be grandparents.  You simply must have a custody order.

If you have any questions regarding your child custody order, please contact our office to speak with a caring child custody atttorney. We have office located off the Marietta Square, and one in Atlanta, off the Glenridge Connector. 770-426-1148

You and your ex-spouse had a “dream” divorce.   There was no yelling, no name calling, no arguments regarding the kids, parenting plan or child support.  Heck, your Ex didn’t even have an issue refinancing the house and getting you off the mortgage and the deed.  Neither of you wanted alimony, but you sure did appreciate him/her offering to pay off that $10,000.00 credit card bill in your name that you both ran up during the marriage.  Things went so smoothly, you never even thought about getting an attorney.  You and your Ex went to the court’s website, printed and filled out the paperwork and filed it.  A couple of months later, your divorce was finalized, and the Judge signed an order incorporating your “filled in” Settlement Agreement, including the paragraph about the credit card bill.  Ah, SWEET FREEDOM!

 It’s been a year (or two) and you’re finally ready to get that new house, car or furniture you’ve been waiting for.  The finance guy comes back into the office… “Mr./Mrs. Smith, I’m sorry but we can’t approve your mortgage (car loan, credit card application).  You’ve got a rather substantial delinquency on your credit report.”  Your eyes get big as you scan over the credit report the finance department just pulled on you.  You lose your breath and shout, “That’s impossible!  The only credit card I ever had…” Your voice fades out when you realize that your oh so helpful ex-spouse hasn’t paid the credit card bill for several months.  You knew he/she had some recent financial issues, but since they hadn’t brought it up, you assumed the credit card bill was still being timely paid.  You call your Ex and question them about the credit card payments.  “Sorry, I have other more important bills to pay right now,” they say.  They go on to add, “I gave the credit card company your information so you can deal with them directly.”  You hang up the phone in shock and ask yourself,   “Now what am I going to do?!”

The family law attorneys at Stearns-Montgomery & Proctor deal with these types of situations on a regular basis.  Your remedy for relief would be a Motion for Contempt against your Ex, usually filed in the county where the actual divorce took place.  Contempt is defined by Georgia Divorce, Alimony and Child Custody as “a ‘willful’ refusal to comply with a judgment or order of the court.  In other words, once the Judge in your case signed the Order, both you and your ex-spouse became legally obligated to comply with the terms set out in the Settlement Agreement you signed.  A contempt action can apply to an action (or inaction) of your Ex, including, but certainly not limited to visitation or parenting issues, or to monetary issues like the non-payment of alimony, child support, and yes, even that pesky credit card bill.

 O.C.G.A. §19-6-28(a) states that the Court has “the power to punish the respondent who violates any order of the court…”  Once one of our caring family law attorneys has tried to settle the matter with your Ex outside of court, if the matter remains unresolved, the more aggressive action of filing a Motion for Contempt can be pursued.  Millner v. Millner, 260 Ga. 495 (1990), Killingsworth v. Killingsworth, 286 Ga. 234 (2009), Paisley v. Huddlestun, 244 Ga. 418 (1979), and Beach v. Beach, 224 Ga. 701 (1968) all deal with various types of contempt actions.  Some examples of contempt from these cases are:  non-payment of bills or marital debt, failure to pay gift tax liability, failure to pay equity due to the other party from the marital home, and failure to pay attorney fees.

 Additionally, there may be other questions regarding the credit card you need addressed.  For example, “Will the credit card company honor our divorce decree?”, “What do I do if the credit card company sues me when my Ex is responsible for paying the bill?”, or “I went ahead and paid off the credit card myself, does that mean my Ex is off the hook?” Stearns-Montgomery & Proctor  has attorneys in our offices that can help you answer all of these questions, give you legal advice on how to deal with a credit card company or a 3^rd party collection agency, and any other issues which may arise if your Ex isn’t holding up their end of the divorce decree. 

 Special thanks to Atlanta Family Law Attorney Janné Y. McKamey for her contributions to this article.  If you have questions about what to do when your ex-spouse doesn’t pay those marital debts as ordered to by the court, contact Ms. McKamey today about your case.  770-426-1148